Belief

I don't remember too many days from high school more vividly than the day of the state qualifying swim meet my junior year.  My strongest event was the 100 yard backstroke, but I had spent almost the entire season swimming other events for the good of the team score.  We had three other strong backstroke swimmers including our senior captain who had faster times than I did.  Add to that, this meet had everyone from our region coming to compete and there were two other guys who also had posted times close to 1:00 throughout the season.  My best was a 1:02 from a meet where we crushed the other team, so I was able to get out of my other events.  You had to win the race to earn a trip to the state meet and get to compete against the top swimmers from all over New York and it was my dream to qualify.

I remember my swim coach (who recently reconnected with me!) telling me about the planning meeting that occurred before each state qualifier.  All the coaches met to enter their line-ups for each event and determine the final line ups for the meet.  He told me that when the 100 backstroke event came around and the names were announced.  Amongst them were a kid from our arch enemy Middletown who had posted some good times late in the season.  A kid who didn't have a swim team at his high school, but swam independently, specialized in backstroke, and also had posted fast times.  Our team captain.  Then he announced my name, a few of the other coaches said "oooh, sleeper".  He told me this story, then told me that he thought I was going to win the race.  I didn't share his confidence at the time based on my previous times and the limited amount of repetitions I had with the event in competition, but the show of confidence from him and the other coaches at the meeting boosted my confidence.

The pool stands were absolutely packed with parents and other teams.  The race was on of the last ones of the day and my nerves were running a mile a minute leading up to the start.  The race was spectacular with four of us neck and neck throughout all four laps and going right into the final wall together.  With backstroke, you can't always tell where you stand in a close race like you can with the other strokes, but I knew everyone was close.  We lunged backwards to the electronic touchpads on the wall and had to stand up to see the results hit the scoreboard on the wall.  I couldn't figure out what all the numbers meant, I looked at my coach and he was pointing at me.  Then I saw the time and place.  0:59 seconds, I won.  I qualified for the state meet, which was held at Syracuse University the following weekend. It was an amazing experience for me.  The power of believing put me over the top here.

Since I announced my diagnosis, many people have been reaching out, many of them are religious, many of them offering to pray for me, some of them doing it in front of me.  I've been thinking a lot about it and have been wanting to write about it, but religion can be a thorny issue and I certainly do not want to offend anyone.  But as all of this energy swirls around me, and I have certainly spent more time contemplating my own life and mortality, I keep finding myself wanting to dive in.

To paint the back ground, I refer to myself as a retired roman catholic.  I was baptized, confirmed, and attended church with my father regularly while growing up.  Beyond that, I was an alter boy (all positive) and while I was a boy scout in middle school, earned a special religious badge (Pope Pius XII) which required extra religious study and was eventually awarded to the few who earned it by the Cardinal himself at St. Patrick's Cathedral in NYC.  Our church was a great community-building place, and our priests and deacon were always great people.  But as time went on, it just became clear to me that while a god may have created this great, unexplained universe, man created religion.

On the positive side of religion, besides the great local communities that it builds (communities that can come together and rally around someone in need), many religions believe in an after life.   This is powerful stuff, particularly when you're really faced with the end of life.  As I laid awake at night in the dark, I could not help to imagine what it would be like to stare down a terminal situation.  And how, regardless of who is around you, in the end, it's just you inside of your own mind.  And in those moments, in that solitude, it really is only what YOU believe that matters.  So spending time arguing over beliefs, or trying to sway other's beliefs would be time wasted.  If one believes it in their minds and in their hearts, then it is so for them.

I unfortunately still cannot bring myself to believe that there is more to come after the end of my natural life.  If there is, hopefully I've done enough and the gatekeeper will still let me pass.  But, my viewpoint provides me focus and desire to survive here and now, because I believe this IS heaven we're living in now, better make the most of it.  As I said, people have been praying and offering to pray.  In the past I might have scoffed, but now, I willing accept all help.  And it's very uplifting to know those people are thinking about me and sending warm wishes in their own way.

As the treatment of my cancer continues, I must chose to believe that I will win this fight.  For me, there's just no other option. I think that's important for anyone facing not just a major illness or life event, but even in everyday life.  Big presentation?  Why not believe that it's going to go well?  Tennis match?  What not believe that you're going to win? You want to make career changes? Why not believe that you're going to make the right decisions? Issues with your significant other?  Why not believe that they love you and that if you need to work through an issue, they probably do too and you'll all be better for it afterwards.

Self belief is a powerful emotion and can come from within and can be reinforced from the people around us.  Surround yourself with positive people, be a positive influence on others, and spend some time believing in yourself.  It's powerful medicine.